Monday, May 23, 2011

If love could have saved you...

you would have lived forever.

I was due this week with our 4th (my 2nd biological) baby this week. It wasn't planned...but obviously I know how it happened :) But because it wasn't planned I was a little bit upset over it. Rick and I had a plan, and this didn't fit into that mold at the time. But as the weeks went by I became more and more okay and excited about it. I was positive it was a little girl! Both my friend and I at work confided in each other that we were both expecting (unexpectedly), and due within a week of each other. This was going to be so fun being preggers together! Then one Saturday I started having some problems. I called into the Doctor and they told me to take it easy and if things didn't change to come in. I knew things weren't okay, but I wanted to believe they were. Things improved, but didn't stop. I called in and the nurse told me that I was far enough along (I was 9 or 10 weeks at the time) to be able to hear a heart beat on the doppler so to stop in and they would put my mind at ease. I went in and she started to search for that woosh woosh woosh woosh woosh sound.....nothing. I knew, I knew right then, but of course we went through 2 more ultra-sounds with 2 different machines before they decided it probably wasn't a viable pregnancy. I was heartbroken. To make things worse I had to wait a week because I wasn't 100% sure on my dates so they wanted to be sure before doing a D&C. My last ultrasound showed a growing yolk sac but a shrinking fetus and I went in the next day for the procedure.

I honestly can't imagine having another one right now. Jordan is so much fun, and so incredibly hard all at the same time. He is very particular and VERY good at tantrums when things don't go his way, which is quite often! I am nervous for 3 because everyone says it is worse than 2 but he is just a turd sometimes so I can't imagine him being worse than he is now. But, at the same time, I wonder what our little sweetie would have looked like. Was it a boy, or a girl? It's amazing to me that as a mother you can fall in love with something growing inside of you, in such a short amount of time! I was surprised how many people have suffered a miscarriage and shared their stories with me while I was dealing with those emotions. To those of you who did, thank you for your words of comfort when I needed them! So many things have to go right to make these perfect little beings. I know that the time wasn't right and that it was something we needed to go through. Hopefully you don't take this to be a pity post, believe me, I have SEVERAL close friends who have gone through a lot worse than I have and I would take my trial over theirs any day of the week - I have just been thinking about our little one considerably more this past month, and exceptionally more this week and wanted to express my love for our little one that didn't quite make it here!


Emily said...

Oh Ali that was so sweet. You are a wonderful mother. I'm realizing now that I never did email you that essay I told you about a long time ago. I love it so much. I'm going to find it right this minute.

xo, Emily

ashley & sundance said...

I found you... just after I messaged you on facebook. And of course, the first post I read... makes me cry.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I know you are a fabulous Momma. Your kids are lucky to have you!

p.s. I had a blast in Vegas with you. We need to hang out more often. :)